This past Sunday, we took my mom to her final resting place. It was a long time coming. I took the six hour drive, and suffered insomnia as I tried to sleep after the drive, so I went to the beach early to watch the sunrise.
I think we all avoided doing this, because subconsciously we knew it was like we were fully letting go of her. It was difficult for me and my emotions were rolling like the waves she became part of. I flat out did not want to do it. Losing my mom as a young girl, I did not know how I was going to get through puberty, college, and all the challenges that inevitably would come, without her to guide me.
I still wonder what her advice would have been for me during those years, as well as what it would be now.
You would think so long after, I would have finished grieving, but truth be told I did not even start until about 4 years ago. Everyone has their own timeline, and it took me a while to realize that mine was OK.
I think what finally brought me a sense of relief, was thinking about all of my surrogate mothers. They gave me a peace of mind to let go of the ashes, and know that I was not actually letting go of my mom or the opportunity for maternal guidance.
I want to thank all of my surrogate mothers. from numerous relatives, to teachers and professors through the years, the soccer mom community, my boyfriend’s mother, and to so many more– of course including my guardian. Even though I have never done it, I can tell being a guardian is rewarding and hard. I know it was hard trying to teach and look after this girl who was so different than you, enjoying science classes and soccer when you played the violin and softball, but who is still very much like you, afraid of confrontation and a lover of the beach.
I want to thank everyone who has loved me as their own, and reminded me that family is more than just blood. I love you, mom and all of my mothers.
And after some contemplation, I finally realized that spreading my mom’s ashes was not an end, but just another beginning, like the sunrise.